![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chibifukurouTitle: Searching For Home
Author: chibifukurou
Artists: synnovu and solara1357
Series: Star Trek: The Original Series
Characters/Pairings: Amanda/Sarek; Spock
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Separation of a married couple; Xenophobia
Word Count:
Summary: I had always loved Vulcan better than Earth, but there are certain things I couldn't accept and the Vulcan prejudices against my son was simple illogical and unforgivable. My son deserved a home where he could be loved and accepted and I would do everything in my power to make sure he found such a place.
Even if it meant leaving the man and the world I loved behind and traveling to Earth to become a Alien Languages Teacher in Riverside, Iowa.
Link to fic: Part 1 | Part 2 | Ao3
Link to art: classic trek bb: art
Link to art:
I woke up to the smell of eggs, pancakes, and bacon. Strange how smells like that still seemed familiar when nothing else about earth did.
They did say that smell was one of the two strongest sense memories, right next to sound. Spock make a soft wuffling sniffle as he started to wake up. I never ceased to amaze me how adorable he could be without even trying.
He grumbled softly.
"They're making breakfast, and I know after all that shuttle food you have to be hungry," I wheddled. There was no way I'd be able to get out of my bed without stepping on him thanks to how his pallet was positioned in front of my bed.
Crinkling his nose, he said. "I'm unsure that I wish to try this human food they are making, mother. It smells strange."
"That's the bacon. And I doubt their going to make you to eat it, since you’re vegetarian. You'll like the pancakes." Provided I didn't let him have more than a tiny about of maple syrup. A hyperactive Vulcan child would be hard to explain to a family of humans who were used to the older, and more serious Vulcans.
"Alright." He rolled over so that he was leaning against my bed frame ands started rubbing at his eyes. I couldn't relist reaching down and picking hum up to cuddle against my chest.
"I promise that this won't be all that bad. You'll like Earth if you give it a chance."
"It's so cold, and everything is strange."
"I know, but there will be good things too, just wait. You might even make some friends at school."
He shook his head and cuddled closer to my chest, as he was wont to do when we were alone together and there was no one to make him feel ashamed about needing physical contact.
I could practically hear him in my head saying that it was illogical to want friends. Not that the illogical emotional response ever stopped him from feeling lonely back on Vulcan. He'd never complained about spending almost every moment with me, but there wasn't a little boy on Vulcan or Earth, who didn't want the chance to have adventures without their mother. The only problem was that no Vulcan mother would allow their child to have adventures with my Spock. I could only pray that things would be different on Earth.
Setting him down next to me on the bed, I dug through our packs until I unearthed one of the thick, woolen sweaters I'd knitted for him. He grabbed it from my hand and pulled it over his head so quickly that it caused his hair to stand up to create a hallow around his head. Stifling a girlish giggle I did my best to pat his hair back into place. "Come on, let's go down and eat. It is only polite to meet Mr. Kirk's family."
He nodded against my chest, but instead of trying to get down he wrapped his little arms further around my neck. That was more than enough to tell me how nervous he was. I could already tell that it was going to be a long morning.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"You two must be Amanda and Spock, it’s great to meet you both. You can call me Winona." Winona Kirk was all blond curls and bright smiles.
Spock stared at her as though she was an alien species he had never seen before. Admittedly she didn't bare that much resemblance to me, but I never thought he'd be that intimidated by a human female. Not as use to me as he was.
"Yes we are. I wanted to thank you for opening your home to us. I know it can't have been an easy decision."
"Easier than you might think. My husband is trying to become Riverside's mayor after all. It wouldn't set a good precedent if he refused to embrace Federation rulings regarding the schooling of the town's children."
"I suppose it wouldn't." I set Spock down in one of the two booster seats sitting at the end of the table. He stared down at it with obvious distaste. "It's only for a little bit." I whispered in his ear. Knowing that if I didn't say anything he'd be out of the chair as soon as I took my eyes off of him.
He settled down, and went back to staring at Winona. Who appeared oblivious, flitting around the kitchen, grabbing milk out of the refrigerator and cherries out of the bread box. "The kids should be waking up soon. I 'm actually surprised you two are awake so early. It's only been a few hours since you arrived."
"It's late morning on Vulcan. And Vulcans don't sleep nearly as much as humans, so I'm used to getting up after only a little sleep."
"Well that will come in handy on the farm. We can always use an extra pair of hands to help with the morning chores." She started flipping the fully cooked bacon onto a plate.
Mr. Kirk came in then. He was pale and worn looking, probably from lack of sleep after staying up half the night driving us back to the farm. Dressed in mud soaked galoshes, a worn pair of overalls, and a plaid shirt, he looked the very picture of an old fashioned farmer. Probably what he'd been going for if he was trying to become mayor of a city as entrenched in the Back to Earth movement as Riverside, Iowa. "Ms. Grayson, it's good to see you again. I hope you slept well."
"Thank you, I did."
Wrapping an arm around Winona's waste he pulled her against her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. I looked away to give them at least the impression of privacy, and met Spock's eyes. He was looking back and forth between the kissing pair and me, his eyes wide and his ears the deep green of embarrassment.
This sort of casual physical affection would take some getting used to on his part.
The sound of people thundering down the staircase and into the kitchen broke my staring contest with Spock, and got the Kirk’s to separate.
Mr. Kirk smiled at me and pulled the chair next to Spock’s out for me to sit down. “Thank you.”
“Believe me you’ll be glad to have a seat when they boys get here. It’s barely controlled chaos.”
A pair of blond boys came tumbling into the kitchen, dressed in matching pajamas covered in a pattern of tractors and corn cobs. They both stopped short a few steps into the kitchen when they caught sight of Spock and me.
It was easy enough to tell which of the boys Mr. Kirk had been talking about the night before. Neither of the kids looked a lot like Spock, fully human as they were. But the youngest, and smallest, was only a few inches shorter than Spock and had the same baby fat round face.
“Boys, this is Ms. Grayson and Spock. We told you that they would be staying with us for a while.”
“Hello Ms. Grayson.” They caroled.
“Hello boys.” I replied. “So which of you is which?”
“I’m Sam and this is my little brother, Jimmy.” The larger boy, said.
“My name isn’t Jimmy.”
“Is too.”
“Is not!” The pair of them turned to face each other, hands on hips and identical pouts twisting their faces up into equally adorable expressions.
I had to stifle an amused chuckle behind my hand.
“Boys, let’s try not to make a bad impression on the Graysons.” Winona said. I could hear laughter in her voice as well.
“Yes, Mom.” Despite the affirmative they kept shoving at each other as they made their way to the table. ‘Not Jimmy’ Kirk ended up in the booster seat next to Spock, and Sam sat down across the table from me.
Jimmy started poking at Spock’s ears. “So what are you?”
Edging as far away from Jimmy as he could, Spock replied. “I am a Vulcan.”
“What’s that?” He leaned over the edge of his seat so that he could poke Spock again.
Spock ducked, and I thought he would actually resort to hopping out of his chair to get away. He looked at me pleadingly.
Thankfully Winona picked up on his discomfort and plunked a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of Jimmy. Food took precedent over his interest in trying to figure out what Spock was. Spock took advantage of his distraction to settle back into his seat, though he kept a wary eye Jimmy.
Winona put a plate in front of Spock as well. “So do you two have anything planned for today?”
“I’m going to see if I can talk to the principal about when I can start teaching. It’s already two months into the school year and I don’t want to put it off any longer than I need to.”
“I can drive you into town after lunch.”
“Thank you Mr. Kirk. I would very much appreciate that.”
I felt a tugging at my sleeve. Turning towards Spock I saw that he was trying to draw my attention to his plate. Where two pieces of bacon sat innocently on top of his pancakes. I scooped them up and added them to my plate.
“Will you be leaving Spock home with me, when you go out?” Winona asked.
“I had planned to take him with me, but if you think that it would be better for him to stay home with you and the boys, I would of course be glad leave him with you.”
“The boys will be going to their school soon, so I’m afraid it would just be the two of us on the farm. But Spock could help me make dinner and with some of the chores around the farm.”
Spock stopped, his fork in the air between his plate and his mouth, and stared at me.
“I think I’ll probably bring him along anyway. It seems like a good idea to get him registered in school.”
“Good point. I’ll call the boys’ teacher and let her know that you’ll be coming in.”
“Thank you. I’d appreciate that.” I glanced at Spock out of the corner of my eye, and was pleased to see that he had gone back to eating calmly. Except for when he had to dodge Jimmy’s occasional attempts to poke him with his fork.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Spock pressed his little fingers against my temple. I could feel his concern and nervousness. Glancing at George Kirk out of the corner of my eye, I tried to figure out if he realized what Spock was doing but he was bobbing his head to the strident sounds of the country music that blared from the truck's speakers.
Taking that as a sign that he hadn't noticed anything strange in our behavior, I lay my hand over Spock's, so that our clasped hands were pressed against the side of my face. It would look like an affectionate, if strange, gesture to anybody who didn't look to closely. I used the connection Spock had forged to project assurances and comfort.
While I might not like my co-workers and they might come close to hating me, I had faith that nothing bad would happen. In a small town like this, Government funds were about the only thing keeping the school afloat. They couldn't afford to break the law and refuse to let me teach. And they would need a very good reason to fire me, since I was the only one why had applied for the position.
Mr. Kirk turned the truck into a hard right turn, and we pulled onto Riverside's main street. It was like taking a step back in time. The stores were all topped with brightly colored awnings and the windows were filled with large displays of foodstuffs and farming equipment.
Spock let go of my hand so that he could craned his neck back and forth. This was the first small, human town he'd ever seen and I was glad to see it gained his interest.
It reminded me of the town where my aunt had lived when I was a girl. I'd spent the majority of my summers there. My parents too busy to keep me home when I wasn't in school.
Two stoplights later and we were leaving the town behind us. Fields started springing up on either side of the road again and soon we were lost in the seeming isolation provided by the large cornfields that sprung up like walls on either side of the road.
It was just us, the corn, and the sky. I'd started to worry that we'd gotten lost when Mr. Kirk spun into another hard right turn, onto a thin, dirt road I hadn't even been able to see. Now the feeling of claustrophobia got even stronger. I pulled Spock against me, feeling the need to protect him, though from what I couldn't have said.
The sharp cawing of a pair of crows made me jump and press myself further into the truck's bench. Spock took my hand and I did my best to let the brush of his mind against mine calm me.
Thankfully, we were only on the dirt road for a few minutes before the fields dropped off to reveal a large, flat piece of land on which squatted a pair of hulking brick buildings shaped like boxes. The only thing that kept them from looking like prisons from an old-school holo-vid were the large glass windows that circled the building. A ring of then on each floor. Two rings for the Elementary and Middle school building and Three rings for the High-school. The high school and elementary school looked surprisingly normal compared the sense of disquiet I had been feeling whenever I caught sight of a normal human building.
Perhaps it was their utilitarian design or perhaps it was the fact that they looked almost identical to the schools I'd attended as a young girl, right down to the garish red, blue and yellow swing set, but it was easy for me to wrap myself in a sense of calm before entering the High School. Briefcase in my left hand and Spock's sweater-covered wrist in my other.
The Principal, a matronly woman with long blond hair twisted up into almost as severe knot as her tightly scrunched mouth, met us at the door. She gave a fleeting glance to Spock before turning her full attention to me. "You must be Ms.. Grayson, our new Alien Languages teacher." She practically spat my title.
"That's correct."
"I feel that there are some things we need to go over before I show you your classroom."
"Of course, I don't want to step on any toes if I can help it."
"Your presence will cause trouble no matter how nice you are. I suggest you accept that now, because acting like you're everyone's friend isn't going to gain you any points. Not here."
I forced myself to smile politely. It wasn't as though her reaction to my presence was a surprise, though I hadn't expected her to be so blunt about it. The honesty was as refreshing as it was painful. "I'll keep that in mind. But in return I expect you to remember that it wasn't my decision to change the law so that you had to teach Alien Languages to your students. I'm here to do a job, and I expect to be allowed to do so."
She relaxed slightly, and gave me the barest hint of a smile. "Well, it seems like we understand each other then."
"So it does."
"If you and your son will follow me I'll show you to your classroom. I don't want to keep you for long, Winona informed me that you have a meeting with Principle Myers over at the Elementary school and you'll need as much time as you can spare for that meeting."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"They're back!" Jimmy Kirk was waiting for us on the front porch of the Kirk house, when we got back from our meeting with the school teacher and principal at the Riverside Elementary and Middle school. A soon as he saw his father's hover-truck pull up to the house, Jimmy started yelling and ran into the house. The screen door slammed shut behind him.
Mr. Kirk chuckled and when I turned to give him a questioning look, said. "Don't worry, that's just Jimmy for you. He always loves to have someone to play with." Then he looked down to address Spock. "And unless I miss my guess, he and Winona will have made a surprise for you."
"A surprise? Why would they make such a thing for me?"
"Well you're going to be staying at our house for a while aren't you? It's only smart to show hospitality to people who are going to be staying at your house. I've learned it saves a lot of trouble in the long run."
Spock cocked his head to the side, and I suspected that if I had been able to see his face he would have been raising an eyebrow in the same manner Sarek did. "But is it not the guest’s duty to facilitate hospitality and good will?"
"Well, I—" Mr. Kirk's jaw flapped. He didn't seem quite sure how to answer the question.
Which wasn't particularly unusual when humans first started dealing with the Vulcan sense of propriety. In a lot of ways human and Vulcan courtesy mirrored each other. The same but opposite. I decided to grant Mr. Kirk a reprieve. "It's different on Earth, Spock. While on Vulcan it falls to the guests to see that their hosts are made comfortable. On Earth it is considered the host’s duty to make their guests comfortable. It is a sign of competence and good manners."
"I see." He said, though the way he scrunched his eyebrows together showed that he was if not lying, at least not being completely truthful. I squeezed his shoulder in support, and gathered my purse and briefcase together so that we could get out of the truck.
By the time I got the door open and Spock had climbed out, Jimmy was coming back out of the house at break neck speed. The screen door slammed shut again.
Then he was beside the truck and grabbing Spock by the hand before either of us could react. I watched slack-jawed as Jimmy dragged by Spock up the porch stairs and towards the house.
I knew for a fact that Spock wouldn't have had any problem breaking out of Jimmy's grip if he'd felt threatened, so I left them to it. Spock stared me with horror wide eyes, which I returned with a smile. I wouldn't leave them alone for long, but Spock needed to adjust to handling other humans and this seemed as good a way as any.
"He's a quiet kid."
I nodded in agreement, hiking my bag higher on my shoulder and heading up towards the house.
"I want you to know that me and Winona will look after him, like he was our own."
"Thank you for your consideration, but it's a little more complicated than that."
"I never doubted that it was," He moved to stand in front of me so that I had to stop and acknowledge him. "Look, I don't know what drove you to leave Vulcan, but I want you to know you can talk about it. I mean I don't know how Vulcan's run things, but we've had a couple different women stay with us at the farm, when they needed to get away from their husbands."
I almost laughed in his face. The idea of Sarek raising a hand to me was simply absurd. Even if he had been one of those Vulcan's who believed in allowing a certain amount of emotional expression when in the presence of family, he had always been aware of my human frailties. I'd been the one who'd had to initiate any physical intimacies. "I can assure you that it's nothing like that, Mr. Kirk."
"I'm not saying he abused you in the way a human man would abuse his wife. But obviously something made you leave, and I want you to know that we'll support your decision. We won't let anyone force you to return to Vulcan."
I couldn't squash my amusement this time. After all the tension and stress of arranging the move and getting a new job on my own, the idea of these people, who I barely knew, offering to protect me from the life I would give anything to return to, just seemed too funny. Once I started laughing, I couldn't seem to stop.
I gave into the gales of laughter that shook my frame and brought tears to my eyes. I tried to rain the emotional response in, only to catch sight of George Kirk's horrified face, and lose control all over again.
The screen door slammed again, and suddenly there was a warm little body careening into my legs. I reached down to hold Spock and let go of my laughter. Giving into the slightly more appropriate urge to cry.
Spock patted my back as I had occasionally done for him when he'd been very small and unable to control his reactions to the other Vulcan children's teasing. His mind brushed against mine, a rock of logic and control that I gladly clung to, while still doing my best to shield him from the full strength of my breakdown.
I don't know how long the two of us stayed like that, wrapped up in each other mind and body, but when I finally regained my senses the first thing I heard was Jimmy Kirk asking his father, "Why is Ms. Spock acting so funny?"
I met Spock's gaze and shared an amused look with him over my being called Ms. Spock. "You're father just said something funny." I answered, before Mr. Kirk could figure out what to say.
Jimmy stared at his father, mouth open, for a second, before saying. "Daddy, you can tell jokes?"
This time it was Mr. Kirk who couldn't keep from laughing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
After dinner, we finally got to see the surprise Winona, Sam, and Jimmy had prepared. The trio had managed to find a second toddler bed somewhere and move it into Jimmy's room so that, if Jimmy was to be believed, they could have sleepovers every night.
I was more inclined to believe that they had moved him into Jimmy's room so that he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor in my room.
None of the bedrooms were large, and with a full-sized bed, a wardrobe, and a desk there simply wasn't room for any more furniture in my room.
It was tight in Jimmy's room as well, with only a thin pathway between the two beds, but there was still enough room for you to move around. Spock, of course, was less than impressed with the idea of sharing a bedroom with anyone.
I was grateful that he at least waited to address the subject until we were in the process of moving his clothes and belongings over to Jimmy's room. Jimmy had been ecstatic and I didn't want to upset him by letting him know that Spock wasn't as happy. Spock seemed to want to keep him happy as much, if not more, than I did and only spoke with me on the matter until we were alone. "I do not see why I could not make a bed for myself in one of the common room's downstairs."
"This is more for the Kirk family's benefit than yours."
"I don't understand. How is forcing their son to share a room with me and setting up furniture so that I can stay in his room comfortably, easier?"
"For the same reason that it was easier on your father and I if you went to bed in your room instead of in ours. Married couples need a certain amount of time to themselves, and having to worry about waking you up would make that harder on them. They feel that the trouble of setting up the bed and making arrangements for you to move into Jimmy's bedroom is worth not having to spend hours worrying that you will wake up and interrupt their lalone time." I really hoped that he would accept that answer I didn't want to have to explain the more sordid details to my five year old son, even if he was a Vulcan.
He stared at me, a fine line between his scrunched eyebrows, then he seemed to reach a decision. His face moved out. "Very well, I will attempt to share sleeping quarters with Jimmy, but if I cannot sleep I will come to your room. Since Father is not here you should not require alone time with him."
I had to bite my lip, to hold in a cackle of mirth at his petulant tone. It was times like this that he reminded me un-questionably of Sarek. "That seems like a logical manner of handling the matter." I managed to choke out.
He nodded his head regally, which only made the whole situation funnier.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"And they all lived happily ever after." I finished. Looking up from the story book I saw that both of the boys were asleep. Twin looks of perfect innocence on their faces.
They were so cute like this. Putting the book away on the shelf I stood up and straightened out Jimmy's blanket before giving Spock his customary kiss on the forehead. He felt a bit cool, in the cool Earth air, so I grabbed his second blanket and tucked the pair securely around him.
Sneaking out of their room I headed back to mine. Winona Kirk was waiting in front of my door. "Amanda, I was wondering if you would be willing to come down and talk with my husband and me for a bit?"
"Of course, Winona." I could hardly say no even though I suspected we were going to be discussing George Kirk's concerns about Sarek being abusive.
I felt slightly better when Winona led me into the kitchen instead of the living room, where I could hear George and Sam watching the game.
She motioned for me to take a seat at the table. "I know that George tried to discuss this with you earlier, but I thought you might be more comfortable if it was just us girls."
"I'm not really sure that there is anything to discuss."
"I think that there is, otherwise I can't see a reason for you to uproot your life so thoroughly just to move to the middle-of-nowhere Iowa." The coffee maker beeped and she got up to get us both a cup.
"It's not that simple." I said to her back. "Sarek isn't abusive or neglectful or anything that you're thinking."
"Really? If that's the case then why are you being so defensive."
"Because." I took my mug of coffee from her and leaned back in my chair letting the heat of the mug warm my hands. "I've had this conversation plenty of times before. It's never gotten any easier and most people don't believe me no matter what I say."
"George and I are hardly most people. We've been out into the stars, we know that things aren't always as cut and dry as they are on Earth. And even if we didn't have experience with aliens we have plenty of experience with battered women and we know better than anyone that there is more than one kind of abuse.
Again with the claims that Sarek abused me. "Sarek loved me more than anyone, he would have done anything to make sure that we stayed together."
"Then why are you here alone?"
"Because I'm the stronger of the two of us. He couldn’t let me go, so I left."
Winona had her mug held up to her mouth, but she was too shocked to take a sip. She set it back on the table with a soft thunk. "What does that mean?"
"You're familiar with the Back to Earth party, right?"
"Of course, they're a major part of George's constituency."
"Most Vulcans have similar beliefs and it's only gotten worse in the last decade or so. They believe that hybrid children and relationships with non-Vulcans, particularly humans, are to be discouraged." I took a sip of my coffee, letting the smell and the feel of caffeine entering my system soothe my fraying nerves. "Spock is an exceptionally bright and stoic child by human standpoints. On Vulcan it's different. He is considered overly emotional and a bad influence on the other children."
"Surely you're joking? He's got more control of himself than Sammy does."
"It still wasn't enough. A major part of how Vulcan's function is by using logic to suppress emotions. Spock is still too young to be able to completely understand logic. He wasn't able to keep up with the other children, and Vulcans don't have any system in place for those that can't keep up with their education. It so rarely happens."
"What does this have to do with your decision to leave your husband?"
"I'm getting to it." I took another show series of sips of coffee, just to get her back for interrupting me. "Children on Vulcan are considered a part of their parents. If the child fails the parent fails. Spock was going to be held back in school, which was a serious cause for concern. Sarek was only able to marry me because he was one of the brightest and most logical Vulcans in his generation. The elders believed that he would be able to withstand my human emotions and raise any children we had in a manner that they deemed suitable. Spock's being held back undermined his position and the other Vulcans knew it. They were already starting to question whether or not he should be allowed to keep his position." I moved to take another fortifying sip of my coffee, only to realize that I'd finished it all off. I ended up staring down at the empty mug instead.
Until Winona pulled it out of my hand and went to refill it. Once I had taken a few sips of my new mug full of coffee it was easier to start talking again. "The precedence for this sort of situation is for the parents to bear a second child, to act as the heir. Thus proving that they are able to succeed in parenthood and any failings of the first child weren't due to the parent's teachings."
"That's absurd."
"Yes, it is." I went back to sipping at my drink.
"But it still doesn't tell me why you left your husband."
"Doesn’t it?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow in a knowing fashion.
Winona wasn't impressed. "No it doesn't."
"Really? I'd think it was obvious since Spock and I traveled her alone." I left the alone hanging for a bit in hopes that she'd be able to pick up on the subtext.
She didn’t' disappoint. "You refused to have another child to prove that your parenting wasn't at fault."
I smirked over the lip of my cup. "Exactly."
"But why not? I know that Sammy really learned from having a younger child. It seems like Spock would learn just as much if not more. Not to mention he’d be a wonderfully, responsible big brother."
"He's also a hybrid and our second child would be a hybrid too. It's not as simple as with your two sons. Hybrids are considered lesser beings as it is. If our second child ended up being the same as Spock, they could outright ban the birth of human/Vulcan children until they can figure out what makes hybrid children more like their human parents. Sarek could lose his standing in the community and his job, but my main concern was how a second child could affect Spock's life as well as the legislation regarding hybrids. I wasn't willing to have a second child but at the same time I wasn't willing to force Sarek into giving up his position."
"So you left him for his own good." She didn’t' sound impressed.
Not that I cared. "Exactly."
"Well that does put a different spin on things. When do you think you'll be going back to Vulcan."
It was my turn to freeze. "What do you mean?"
"If you're staying away because Spock isn't mature enough to keep up with the other Vulcans, then that means you'll be able to go back to Vulcan when he's older, right."
I thought of the warmth of Vulcan and being held in Sarek's arms. Everything that said home to me. Then I remembered my son, sleeping in the bedroom upstairs. Vulcan might be my home, but it wasn't his and he had to be my priority. I stood up, jerkily leaving my half-full mug on the table. "Goodnight, Winona."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The next morning was my first day teaching at the Riverside High School and my stomach had decided to tie itself up in knots. I took a deep breath trying to prepare myself for what was about to happen. In a few minutes my first class was going to start and even my Vulcan training couldn't keep the nerves at bay.
I'd married my husband just out of college and had never had the occasion to use my education degree in a class setting before. And to make matters worse most of these children probably didn't even want to be here.
A few might find the subject interesting, but all of them would be aware of their families' prejudices against alien cultures. I doubted they would be daring enough to attack me physically but they would test me all the same.
The school bell rang, the trilling chime drilled into my skull and made my stomach twist with mixed anticipation and dread.
I plastered my best Vulcan mask onto my face and watched as the children filed through the door and took their seats, laughing and giving me amused looks out of the corners of their eyes. Already I could tell that they were going to cause me no end of trouble.
I couldn't wait. If there was one thing I'd never been able to resist it was a challenge. "Hello students, my name is Ms. Grayson and I'm your new Alien Languages teacher."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Over the next few weeks, things settled down. I can't say that I became happier, being without Sarek was like being without a limb. I wasn't as telepathically sensitive as a Vulcan so I couldn't feel the loss of our bond that clearly, but I also had no way of replacing the emotional link. Humans just weren't capable of connecting on that level and I didn't want to make my bond with Spock ant deeper that it already was.
We both needed to become less insular than we had been on Vulcan. Spock actually seemed to be having a better time of that than I was. Once he had adjusted to Jimmy's extremely affectionate manner, he started to thrive.
It was rare to see one without the other. Jimmy was always dragging him from one end of the farm to the other, playing with the dogs, feeding the pigs, collecting the eggs from the chickens, and Spock's favorite task of caring for the horses.
The first time Jimmy took him out to see the horses he'd talked about all the facts he'd learned about them for over two hours. George and Winona had been amused, thinking that he was trying to impress them with how much he knew about horses, but I knew better. The only other time I'd seen him so excited was when he'd gotten to see the Sehlats. He'd been quoting facts about Sehlats for days. I decided that if we ended up staying in Riverside I would see about purchasing a horse for him.
The one thing he refused to speak with me about was school, though it was easy enough to tell that he was uncomfortable there, it was impossible to tell if that was because he wasn't getting along with his fellow students, or if the instructors weren't comfortable teaching him.
I decided to wait and see what happened, hoping that between the two of them Spock and Jimmy would be able to figure things out. I knew from my own childhood that having a parent intercede too early only made things more awkward.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Strangely enough I didn't dread being called to Spock's new school as much as I had dreaded being called to his school back on Vulcan. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I knew that was three times as strong as any of the other children, but it just didn't seem like I needed to worry about his safety.
And for all James Kirk was a bit bratty what with his love of poking Spock, I knew for a fact that he'd do anything to protect Spock. He was just that kind of boy.
I could still remember my own best friend when I was a child. We'd been known for beating up the boys we went to school with. Much to my mother's embarrassment.
"Principal Myers I received a call that Spock had gotten into trouble?"
Myers shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I didn't realize that my assistant had called you, Miss Grayson."
I didn't bother to correct him this time. If he didn’t get my name after the first dozen times, he wasn’t likely to get it right now. “Who did you think they had called.”
“I asked them to call Mr. Kirk. He usually handles this sort of problem.”
I chill of dread sunk into my stomach. Maybe this wasn’t a simple childhood fight. “Did something happen.?You assistant led me to believe that it wasn’t anything important.”
“It normally wouldn’t be, but I’m afraid your son reacted quite unreasonably. Have you looked into getting him therapy to help him deal with your leaving his father?
I bristled. “How is that your business?”
“As I said your son reacted unreasonably and without provocation.”
“I highly doubt it was without provocation.” I knew Spock better than that and while he might be overly emotional for a Vulcan, he was still very much in control of his reactions. “And I doubt even more that it was unreasonable.”
“He attacked a group of boys and used the tether ball to tie them to a pole in the middle of the schoolyard.” He straightened his spine preparing for something. “I understand that he is not human, but surely you could train him better than to do something so impulsive.”
“Train him? You make it sound like he is a dog.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I understand that he is a sentient being. But surely you don’t expect me to believe that he can function on the same level as a human.”
“I expect you to believe that he can function on a level higher than humans are capable of. Did you even ask him why he attacked those boys?”
He shifted again.
“I’ll take that as a no.” I stood up and headed for the door. I’d had enough of this man. I’d have to speak to his teacher to make sure that we handled any further disciplinary problems just between the two of us.
Spock and Jimmy Kirk were waiting for me on the bench just outside of their classroom. Spock looked as unruffled as when I’d dropped him off at the beginning of the day. Jimmy on the other hand had a large bruise that covered his cheek and his eye.
I had to stifle the urge to snort. If that bruise was anything to go by then Spock’s attack certainly hadn’t been unprovoked. “Come along boys, you can keep me company at the high school for the rest of the day, until Mr. Kirk comes to pick us up.”
Spock nodded and helped Jimmy down off of the bench, keeping his hand on Jimmy’s arm when he wavered.
“On second thought I think we’d better go see the nurse before we do anything else.”
“Do we have to?” Jimmy whined.
“I’d feel better if we did. And it’s just for a minute anyway.” I nodded for Spock to follow me, more worried than I wanted to admit when Jimmy didn’t raise any more complaints. He was a very determined little boy, and if he wasn’t feeling simply awful than I doubted we’d have been able to get him to the infirmary.
The nurse seemed to agree with me. She’d barely caught sight of him before she was bustling him into a bed and shoving a children’s pain pill down his throat. After a more thorough examination she decided that there was nothing more serious than some deep bruises, but she did insist that he needed to go home immediately rather than waiting for me to finish my classes at the high school.
I called them and let them know that I wouldn’t be coming back that day, they were as sympathetic as they were legally required to be and I was content with that.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Spock and I sat side by side watching Jimmy sleep as we waited for Mr. Kirk to come pick us up. He was tense and I couldn’t resist laying my hand onto his head. I wouldn’t do anything more obvious in public, not among so many strangers, but this at least wouldn’t seem to strange.
He relaxed beneath the weight of my hand, his body releasing its tension until he looked like any other young boy who’d gotten into a fight at school. Upset and angry and trying to hold back tears. “Why did he do it?”
“Do what sweetie?”
“Those boys they were saying mean things about me. They said that their parents said I was dirty and didn’t deserve to be on Earth.”
“Their families are probably part of the Back to Earth movement.” I acknowledged.
“I told Jimmy that it was alright, and I did not mind but he said that he could tell it upset me. He started yelling at them.” He seemed lost for words.
“Is that when they hit him?”
“He fell and there was blood coming from his nose and I lost my temper.” Biting his lip he hunched into himself.
“I’m not upset with you, dear. You did a very good job. The principal said that you tied them up using a tetherball. I’m impressed with your ingenuity.”
He relaxed again. “Thank you mother.”
We went back to sitting in silence, though I kept watch on Spock from the corner of my eye. He was quite obviously thinking about something. Finally he reached up under his sweater and pulled out a piece of folded paper. He carefully unfolded it, before handing it too me.
It was a picture of two boys, Spock and Jimmy if I was to guess, sitting on top of a large round spaceship in the middle of space. “Jimmy says that is us, that when we are bigger we will go out into the stars and make a place where nobody can say I do not belong. A real home.” There was a painful wistfulness in his voice.
It made me want to cry. We’d come all this way because I wanted to give him a chance to find a home and it hadn’t made a bit of difference. Spock was just as out of place here as he had been back on Vulcan. I gave up all sense of propriety and pulled him into my arms. “Do you want to go back to Vulcan, sweetheart. This hasn’t turned out like I’d planned.”
“No.” It was remarkable how emphatic he sounded. I hadn’t realized he could feel so strongly about something. “I want to stay with Jim. I want to…” he reached for the picture I still had clenched in my hand. “I want that.”
He wanted a home. The one thing that I couldn’t give him. “Then we’ll stay.” I pulled him close so that I could whisper into his ear. “And I promise that I will do everything I can to make sure your dream comes true.”
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To My Husband,
I'm sorry for leaving you so suddenly and with only a letter to tell you what I'd done, but at the time it seemed like the best way for us to part. If I had stayed until we could discuss logic and patience, I would have changed my mind.
I love you so much that it hurts to even think about being away from you. There is no way that I would be able to leave if you had asked me not to. That is why I refused to tell you where I'd gone. I couldn't have you risking yourself to come after me. I worked too hard to get up the courage to leave in the first place.
Despite what it sounds like I'm not writing to make recriminations or express my guilt though that is part of it. I'm writing to tell you that I'm no longer tempted to return to your side. I've found at least a part of what I'm looking for here, on Earth.
Spock is flourishing and I have hope that someday he will be able to make a home for himself. One where he isn't judged because of his heritage, but because of the type of man he is.
When he is older I will want to discuss having him return to Vulcan during the summer break from school, so that he can learn the teachings of Sarek more fully, but that is still a few years off. For now I'm just happy to see him growing up to be the boy I always knew he could be, happy and growing stronger every day.
Even if you can't understand my decision, please don't let your anger separate you from Spock. He misses you as badly as I do and I know that he would love to hear from you, for all he doesn't speak of it.
Live Long and Prosper,
Your Wife,
Amanda
Author: chibifukurou
Artists: synnovu and solara1357
Series: Star Trek: The Original Series
Characters/Pairings: Amanda/Sarek; Spock
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Separation of a married couple; Xenophobia
Word Count:
Summary: I had always loved Vulcan better than Earth, but there are certain things I couldn't accept and the Vulcan prejudices against my son was simple illogical and unforgivable. My son deserved a home where he could be loved and accepted and I would do everything in my power to make sure he found such a place.
Even if it meant leaving the man and the world I loved behind and traveling to Earth to become a Alien Languages Teacher in Riverside, Iowa.
Link to fic: Part 1 | Part 2 | Ao3
Link to art: classic trek bb: art
Link to art:
I woke up to the smell of eggs, pancakes, and bacon. Strange how smells like that still seemed familiar when nothing else about earth did.
They did say that smell was one of the two strongest sense memories, right next to sound. Spock make a soft wuffling sniffle as he started to wake up. I never ceased to amaze me how adorable he could be without even trying.
He grumbled softly.
"They're making breakfast, and I know after all that shuttle food you have to be hungry," I wheddled. There was no way I'd be able to get out of my bed without stepping on him thanks to how his pallet was positioned in front of my bed.
Crinkling his nose, he said. "I'm unsure that I wish to try this human food they are making, mother. It smells strange."
"That's the bacon. And I doubt their going to make you to eat it, since you’re vegetarian. You'll like the pancakes." Provided I didn't let him have more than a tiny about of maple syrup. A hyperactive Vulcan child would be hard to explain to a family of humans who were used to the older, and more serious Vulcans.
"Alright." He rolled over so that he was leaning against my bed frame ands started rubbing at his eyes. I couldn't relist reaching down and picking hum up to cuddle against my chest.
"I promise that this won't be all that bad. You'll like Earth if you give it a chance."
"It's so cold, and everything is strange."
"I know, but there will be good things too, just wait. You might even make some friends at school."
He shook his head and cuddled closer to my chest, as he was wont to do when we were alone together and there was no one to make him feel ashamed about needing physical contact.
I could practically hear him in my head saying that it was illogical to want friends. Not that the illogical emotional response ever stopped him from feeling lonely back on Vulcan. He'd never complained about spending almost every moment with me, but there wasn't a little boy on Vulcan or Earth, who didn't want the chance to have adventures without their mother. The only problem was that no Vulcan mother would allow their child to have adventures with my Spock. I could only pray that things would be different on Earth.
Setting him down next to me on the bed, I dug through our packs until I unearthed one of the thick, woolen sweaters I'd knitted for him. He grabbed it from my hand and pulled it over his head so quickly that it caused his hair to stand up to create a hallow around his head. Stifling a girlish giggle I did my best to pat his hair back into place. "Come on, let's go down and eat. It is only polite to meet Mr. Kirk's family."
He nodded against my chest, but instead of trying to get down he wrapped his little arms further around my neck. That was more than enough to tell me how nervous he was. I could already tell that it was going to be a long morning.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"You two must be Amanda and Spock, it’s great to meet you both. You can call me Winona." Winona Kirk was all blond curls and bright smiles.
Spock stared at her as though she was an alien species he had never seen before. Admittedly she didn't bare that much resemblance to me, but I never thought he'd be that intimidated by a human female. Not as use to me as he was.
"Yes we are. I wanted to thank you for opening your home to us. I know it can't have been an easy decision."
"Easier than you might think. My husband is trying to become Riverside's mayor after all. It wouldn't set a good precedent if he refused to embrace Federation rulings regarding the schooling of the town's children."
"I suppose it wouldn't." I set Spock down in one of the two booster seats sitting at the end of the table. He stared down at it with obvious distaste. "It's only for a little bit." I whispered in his ear. Knowing that if I didn't say anything he'd be out of the chair as soon as I took my eyes off of him.
He settled down, and went back to staring at Winona. Who appeared oblivious, flitting around the kitchen, grabbing milk out of the refrigerator and cherries out of the bread box. "The kids should be waking up soon. I 'm actually surprised you two are awake so early. It's only been a few hours since you arrived."
"It's late morning on Vulcan. And Vulcans don't sleep nearly as much as humans, so I'm used to getting up after only a little sleep."
"Well that will come in handy on the farm. We can always use an extra pair of hands to help with the morning chores." She started flipping the fully cooked bacon onto a plate.
Mr. Kirk came in then. He was pale and worn looking, probably from lack of sleep after staying up half the night driving us back to the farm. Dressed in mud soaked galoshes, a worn pair of overalls, and a plaid shirt, he looked the very picture of an old fashioned farmer. Probably what he'd been going for if he was trying to become mayor of a city as entrenched in the Back to Earth movement as Riverside, Iowa. "Ms. Grayson, it's good to see you again. I hope you slept well."
"Thank you, I did."
Wrapping an arm around Winona's waste he pulled her against her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. I looked away to give them at least the impression of privacy, and met Spock's eyes. He was looking back and forth between the kissing pair and me, his eyes wide and his ears the deep green of embarrassment.
This sort of casual physical affection would take some getting used to on his part.
The sound of people thundering down the staircase and into the kitchen broke my staring contest with Spock, and got the Kirk’s to separate.
Mr. Kirk smiled at me and pulled the chair next to Spock’s out for me to sit down. “Thank you.”
“Believe me you’ll be glad to have a seat when they boys get here. It’s barely controlled chaos.”
A pair of blond boys came tumbling into the kitchen, dressed in matching pajamas covered in a pattern of tractors and corn cobs. They both stopped short a few steps into the kitchen when they caught sight of Spock and me.
It was easy enough to tell which of the boys Mr. Kirk had been talking about the night before. Neither of the kids looked a lot like Spock, fully human as they were. But the youngest, and smallest, was only a few inches shorter than Spock and had the same baby fat round face.
“Boys, this is Ms. Grayson and Spock. We told you that they would be staying with us for a while.”
“Hello Ms. Grayson.” They caroled.
“Hello boys.” I replied. “So which of you is which?”
“I’m Sam and this is my little brother, Jimmy.” The larger boy, said.
“My name isn’t Jimmy.”
“Is too.”
“Is not!” The pair of them turned to face each other, hands on hips and identical pouts twisting their faces up into equally adorable expressions.
I had to stifle an amused chuckle behind my hand.
“Boys, let’s try not to make a bad impression on the Graysons.” Winona said. I could hear laughter in her voice as well.
“Yes, Mom.” Despite the affirmative they kept shoving at each other as they made their way to the table. ‘Not Jimmy’ Kirk ended up in the booster seat next to Spock, and Sam sat down across the table from me.
Jimmy started poking at Spock’s ears. “So what are you?”
Edging as far away from Jimmy as he could, Spock replied. “I am a Vulcan.”
“What’s that?” He leaned over the edge of his seat so that he could poke Spock again.
Spock ducked, and I thought he would actually resort to hopping out of his chair to get away. He looked at me pleadingly.
Thankfully Winona picked up on his discomfort and plunked a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of Jimmy. Food took precedent over his interest in trying to figure out what Spock was. Spock took advantage of his distraction to settle back into his seat, though he kept a wary eye Jimmy.
Winona put a plate in front of Spock as well. “So do you two have anything planned for today?”
“I’m going to see if I can talk to the principal about when I can start teaching. It’s already two months into the school year and I don’t want to put it off any longer than I need to.”
“I can drive you into town after lunch.”
“Thank you Mr. Kirk. I would very much appreciate that.”
I felt a tugging at my sleeve. Turning towards Spock I saw that he was trying to draw my attention to his plate. Where two pieces of bacon sat innocently on top of his pancakes. I scooped them up and added them to my plate.
“Will you be leaving Spock home with me, when you go out?” Winona asked.
“I had planned to take him with me, but if you think that it would be better for him to stay home with you and the boys, I would of course be glad leave him with you.”
“The boys will be going to their school soon, so I’m afraid it would just be the two of us on the farm. But Spock could help me make dinner and with some of the chores around the farm.”
Spock stopped, his fork in the air between his plate and his mouth, and stared at me.
“I think I’ll probably bring him along anyway. It seems like a good idea to get him registered in school.”
“Good point. I’ll call the boys’ teacher and let her know that you’ll be coming in.”
“Thank you. I’d appreciate that.” I glanced at Spock out of the corner of my eye, and was pleased to see that he had gone back to eating calmly. Except for when he had to dodge Jimmy’s occasional attempts to poke him with his fork.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Spock pressed his little fingers against my temple. I could feel his concern and nervousness. Glancing at George Kirk out of the corner of my eye, I tried to figure out if he realized what Spock was doing but he was bobbing his head to the strident sounds of the country music that blared from the truck's speakers.
Taking that as a sign that he hadn't noticed anything strange in our behavior, I lay my hand over Spock's, so that our clasped hands were pressed against the side of my face. It would look like an affectionate, if strange, gesture to anybody who didn't look to closely. I used the connection Spock had forged to project assurances and comfort.
While I might not like my co-workers and they might come close to hating me, I had faith that nothing bad would happen. In a small town like this, Government funds were about the only thing keeping the school afloat. They couldn't afford to break the law and refuse to let me teach. And they would need a very good reason to fire me, since I was the only one why had applied for the position.
Mr. Kirk turned the truck into a hard right turn, and we pulled onto Riverside's main street. It was like taking a step back in time. The stores were all topped with brightly colored awnings and the windows were filled with large displays of foodstuffs and farming equipment.
Spock let go of my hand so that he could craned his neck back and forth. This was the first small, human town he'd ever seen and I was glad to see it gained his interest.
It reminded me of the town where my aunt had lived when I was a girl. I'd spent the majority of my summers there. My parents too busy to keep me home when I wasn't in school.
Two stoplights later and we were leaving the town behind us. Fields started springing up on either side of the road again and soon we were lost in the seeming isolation provided by the large cornfields that sprung up like walls on either side of the road.
It was just us, the corn, and the sky. I'd started to worry that we'd gotten lost when Mr. Kirk spun into another hard right turn, onto a thin, dirt road I hadn't even been able to see. Now the feeling of claustrophobia got even stronger. I pulled Spock against me, feeling the need to protect him, though from what I couldn't have said.
The sharp cawing of a pair of crows made me jump and press myself further into the truck's bench. Spock took my hand and I did my best to let the brush of his mind against mine calm me.
Thankfully, we were only on the dirt road for a few minutes before the fields dropped off to reveal a large, flat piece of land on which squatted a pair of hulking brick buildings shaped like boxes. The only thing that kept them from looking like prisons from an old-school holo-vid were the large glass windows that circled the building. A ring of then on each floor. Two rings for the Elementary and Middle school building and Three rings for the High-school. The high school and elementary school looked surprisingly normal compared the sense of disquiet I had been feeling whenever I caught sight of a normal human building.
Perhaps it was their utilitarian design or perhaps it was the fact that they looked almost identical to the schools I'd attended as a young girl, right down to the garish red, blue and yellow swing set, but it was easy for me to wrap myself in a sense of calm before entering the High School. Briefcase in my left hand and Spock's sweater-covered wrist in my other.
The Principal, a matronly woman with long blond hair twisted up into almost as severe knot as her tightly scrunched mouth, met us at the door. She gave a fleeting glance to Spock before turning her full attention to me. "You must be Ms.. Grayson, our new Alien Languages teacher." She practically spat my title.
"That's correct."
"I feel that there are some things we need to go over before I show you your classroom."
"Of course, I don't want to step on any toes if I can help it."
"Your presence will cause trouble no matter how nice you are. I suggest you accept that now, because acting like you're everyone's friend isn't going to gain you any points. Not here."
I forced myself to smile politely. It wasn't as though her reaction to my presence was a surprise, though I hadn't expected her to be so blunt about it. The honesty was as refreshing as it was painful. "I'll keep that in mind. But in return I expect you to remember that it wasn't my decision to change the law so that you had to teach Alien Languages to your students. I'm here to do a job, and I expect to be allowed to do so."
She relaxed slightly, and gave me the barest hint of a smile. "Well, it seems like we understand each other then."
"So it does."
"If you and your son will follow me I'll show you to your classroom. I don't want to keep you for long, Winona informed me that you have a meeting with Principle Myers over at the Elementary school and you'll need as much time as you can spare for that meeting."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"They're back!" Jimmy Kirk was waiting for us on the front porch of the Kirk house, when we got back from our meeting with the school teacher and principal at the Riverside Elementary and Middle school. A soon as he saw his father's hover-truck pull up to the house, Jimmy started yelling and ran into the house. The screen door slammed shut behind him.
Mr. Kirk chuckled and when I turned to give him a questioning look, said. "Don't worry, that's just Jimmy for you. He always loves to have someone to play with." Then he looked down to address Spock. "And unless I miss my guess, he and Winona will have made a surprise for you."
"A surprise? Why would they make such a thing for me?"
"Well you're going to be staying at our house for a while aren't you? It's only smart to show hospitality to people who are going to be staying at your house. I've learned it saves a lot of trouble in the long run."
Spock cocked his head to the side, and I suspected that if I had been able to see his face he would have been raising an eyebrow in the same manner Sarek did. "But is it not the guest’s duty to facilitate hospitality and good will?"
"Well, I—" Mr. Kirk's jaw flapped. He didn't seem quite sure how to answer the question.
Which wasn't particularly unusual when humans first started dealing with the Vulcan sense of propriety. In a lot of ways human and Vulcan courtesy mirrored each other. The same but opposite. I decided to grant Mr. Kirk a reprieve. "It's different on Earth, Spock. While on Vulcan it falls to the guests to see that their hosts are made comfortable. On Earth it is considered the host’s duty to make their guests comfortable. It is a sign of competence and good manners."
"I see." He said, though the way he scrunched his eyebrows together showed that he was if not lying, at least not being completely truthful. I squeezed his shoulder in support, and gathered my purse and briefcase together so that we could get out of the truck.
By the time I got the door open and Spock had climbed out, Jimmy was coming back out of the house at break neck speed. The screen door slammed shut again.
Then he was beside the truck and grabbing Spock by the hand before either of us could react. I watched slack-jawed as Jimmy dragged by Spock up the porch stairs and towards the house.
I knew for a fact that Spock wouldn't have had any problem breaking out of Jimmy's grip if he'd felt threatened, so I left them to it. Spock stared me with horror wide eyes, which I returned with a smile. I wouldn't leave them alone for long, but Spock needed to adjust to handling other humans and this seemed as good a way as any.
"He's a quiet kid."
I nodded in agreement, hiking my bag higher on my shoulder and heading up towards the house.
"I want you to know that me and Winona will look after him, like he was our own."
"Thank you for your consideration, but it's a little more complicated than that."
"I never doubted that it was," He moved to stand in front of me so that I had to stop and acknowledge him. "Look, I don't know what drove you to leave Vulcan, but I want you to know you can talk about it. I mean I don't know how Vulcan's run things, but we've had a couple different women stay with us at the farm, when they needed to get away from their husbands."
I almost laughed in his face. The idea of Sarek raising a hand to me was simply absurd. Even if he had been one of those Vulcan's who believed in allowing a certain amount of emotional expression when in the presence of family, he had always been aware of my human frailties. I'd been the one who'd had to initiate any physical intimacies. "I can assure you that it's nothing like that, Mr. Kirk."
"I'm not saying he abused you in the way a human man would abuse his wife. But obviously something made you leave, and I want you to know that we'll support your decision. We won't let anyone force you to return to Vulcan."
I couldn't squash my amusement this time. After all the tension and stress of arranging the move and getting a new job on my own, the idea of these people, who I barely knew, offering to protect me from the life I would give anything to return to, just seemed too funny. Once I started laughing, I couldn't seem to stop.
I gave into the gales of laughter that shook my frame and brought tears to my eyes. I tried to rain the emotional response in, only to catch sight of George Kirk's horrified face, and lose control all over again.
The screen door slammed again, and suddenly there was a warm little body careening into my legs. I reached down to hold Spock and let go of my laughter. Giving into the slightly more appropriate urge to cry.
Spock patted my back as I had occasionally done for him when he'd been very small and unable to control his reactions to the other Vulcan children's teasing. His mind brushed against mine, a rock of logic and control that I gladly clung to, while still doing my best to shield him from the full strength of my breakdown.
I don't know how long the two of us stayed like that, wrapped up in each other mind and body, but when I finally regained my senses the first thing I heard was Jimmy Kirk asking his father, "Why is Ms. Spock acting so funny?"
I met Spock's gaze and shared an amused look with him over my being called Ms. Spock. "You're father just said something funny." I answered, before Mr. Kirk could figure out what to say.
Jimmy stared at his father, mouth open, for a second, before saying. "Daddy, you can tell jokes?"
This time it was Mr. Kirk who couldn't keep from laughing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
After dinner, we finally got to see the surprise Winona, Sam, and Jimmy had prepared. The trio had managed to find a second toddler bed somewhere and move it into Jimmy's room so that, if Jimmy was to be believed, they could have sleepovers every night.
I was more inclined to believe that they had moved him into Jimmy's room so that he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor in my room.
None of the bedrooms were large, and with a full-sized bed, a wardrobe, and a desk there simply wasn't room for any more furniture in my room.
It was tight in Jimmy's room as well, with only a thin pathway between the two beds, but there was still enough room for you to move around. Spock, of course, was less than impressed with the idea of sharing a bedroom with anyone.
I was grateful that he at least waited to address the subject until we were in the process of moving his clothes and belongings over to Jimmy's room. Jimmy had been ecstatic and I didn't want to upset him by letting him know that Spock wasn't as happy. Spock seemed to want to keep him happy as much, if not more, than I did and only spoke with me on the matter until we were alone. "I do not see why I could not make a bed for myself in one of the common room's downstairs."
"This is more for the Kirk family's benefit than yours."
"I don't understand. How is forcing their son to share a room with me and setting up furniture so that I can stay in his room comfortably, easier?"
"For the same reason that it was easier on your father and I if you went to bed in your room instead of in ours. Married couples need a certain amount of time to themselves, and having to worry about waking you up would make that harder on them. They feel that the trouble of setting up the bed and making arrangements for you to move into Jimmy's bedroom is worth not having to spend hours worrying that you will wake up and interrupt their lalone time." I really hoped that he would accept that answer I didn't want to have to explain the more sordid details to my five year old son, even if he was a Vulcan.
He stared at me, a fine line between his scrunched eyebrows, then he seemed to reach a decision. His face moved out. "Very well, I will attempt to share sleeping quarters with Jimmy, but if I cannot sleep I will come to your room. Since Father is not here you should not require alone time with him."
I had to bite my lip, to hold in a cackle of mirth at his petulant tone. It was times like this that he reminded me un-questionably of Sarek. "That seems like a logical manner of handling the matter." I managed to choke out.
He nodded his head regally, which only made the whole situation funnier.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"And they all lived happily ever after." I finished. Looking up from the story book I saw that both of the boys were asleep. Twin looks of perfect innocence on their faces.
They were so cute like this. Putting the book away on the shelf I stood up and straightened out Jimmy's blanket before giving Spock his customary kiss on the forehead. He felt a bit cool, in the cool Earth air, so I grabbed his second blanket and tucked the pair securely around him.
Sneaking out of their room I headed back to mine. Winona Kirk was waiting in front of my door. "Amanda, I was wondering if you would be willing to come down and talk with my husband and me for a bit?"
"Of course, Winona." I could hardly say no even though I suspected we were going to be discussing George Kirk's concerns about Sarek being abusive.
I felt slightly better when Winona led me into the kitchen instead of the living room, where I could hear George and Sam watching the game.
She motioned for me to take a seat at the table. "I know that George tried to discuss this with you earlier, but I thought you might be more comfortable if it was just us girls."
"I'm not really sure that there is anything to discuss."
"I think that there is, otherwise I can't see a reason for you to uproot your life so thoroughly just to move to the middle-of-nowhere Iowa." The coffee maker beeped and she got up to get us both a cup.
"It's not that simple." I said to her back. "Sarek isn't abusive or neglectful or anything that you're thinking."
"Really? If that's the case then why are you being so defensive."
"Because." I took my mug of coffee from her and leaned back in my chair letting the heat of the mug warm my hands. "I've had this conversation plenty of times before. It's never gotten any easier and most people don't believe me no matter what I say."
"George and I are hardly most people. We've been out into the stars, we know that things aren't always as cut and dry as they are on Earth. And even if we didn't have experience with aliens we have plenty of experience with battered women and we know better than anyone that there is more than one kind of abuse.
Again with the claims that Sarek abused me. "Sarek loved me more than anyone, he would have done anything to make sure that we stayed together."
"Then why are you here alone?"
"Because I'm the stronger of the two of us. He couldn’t let me go, so I left."
Winona had her mug held up to her mouth, but she was too shocked to take a sip. She set it back on the table with a soft thunk. "What does that mean?"
"You're familiar with the Back to Earth party, right?"
"Of course, they're a major part of George's constituency."
"Most Vulcans have similar beliefs and it's only gotten worse in the last decade or so. They believe that hybrid children and relationships with non-Vulcans, particularly humans, are to be discouraged." I took a sip of my coffee, letting the smell and the feel of caffeine entering my system soothe my fraying nerves. "Spock is an exceptionally bright and stoic child by human standpoints. On Vulcan it's different. He is considered overly emotional and a bad influence on the other children."
"Surely you're joking? He's got more control of himself than Sammy does."
"It still wasn't enough. A major part of how Vulcan's function is by using logic to suppress emotions. Spock is still too young to be able to completely understand logic. He wasn't able to keep up with the other children, and Vulcans don't have any system in place for those that can't keep up with their education. It so rarely happens."
"What does this have to do with your decision to leave your husband?"
"I'm getting to it." I took another show series of sips of coffee, just to get her back for interrupting me. "Children on Vulcan are considered a part of their parents. If the child fails the parent fails. Spock was going to be held back in school, which was a serious cause for concern. Sarek was only able to marry me because he was one of the brightest and most logical Vulcans in his generation. The elders believed that he would be able to withstand my human emotions and raise any children we had in a manner that they deemed suitable. Spock's being held back undermined his position and the other Vulcans knew it. They were already starting to question whether or not he should be allowed to keep his position." I moved to take another fortifying sip of my coffee, only to realize that I'd finished it all off. I ended up staring down at the empty mug instead.
Until Winona pulled it out of my hand and went to refill it. Once I had taken a few sips of my new mug full of coffee it was easier to start talking again. "The precedence for this sort of situation is for the parents to bear a second child, to act as the heir. Thus proving that they are able to succeed in parenthood and any failings of the first child weren't due to the parent's teachings."
"That's absurd."
"Yes, it is." I went back to sipping at my drink.
"But it still doesn't tell me why you left your husband."
"Doesn’t it?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow in a knowing fashion.
Winona wasn't impressed. "No it doesn't."
"Really? I'd think it was obvious since Spock and I traveled her alone." I left the alone hanging for a bit in hopes that she'd be able to pick up on the subtext.
She didn’t' disappoint. "You refused to have another child to prove that your parenting wasn't at fault."
I smirked over the lip of my cup. "Exactly."
"But why not? I know that Sammy really learned from having a younger child. It seems like Spock would learn just as much if not more. Not to mention he’d be a wonderfully, responsible big brother."
"He's also a hybrid and our second child would be a hybrid too. It's not as simple as with your two sons. Hybrids are considered lesser beings as it is. If our second child ended up being the same as Spock, they could outright ban the birth of human/Vulcan children until they can figure out what makes hybrid children more like their human parents. Sarek could lose his standing in the community and his job, but my main concern was how a second child could affect Spock's life as well as the legislation regarding hybrids. I wasn't willing to have a second child but at the same time I wasn't willing to force Sarek into giving up his position."
"So you left him for his own good." She didn’t' sound impressed.
Not that I cared. "Exactly."
"Well that does put a different spin on things. When do you think you'll be going back to Vulcan."
It was my turn to freeze. "What do you mean?"
"If you're staying away because Spock isn't mature enough to keep up with the other Vulcans, then that means you'll be able to go back to Vulcan when he's older, right."
I thought of the warmth of Vulcan and being held in Sarek's arms. Everything that said home to me. Then I remembered my son, sleeping in the bedroom upstairs. Vulcan might be my home, but it wasn't his and he had to be my priority. I stood up, jerkily leaving my half-full mug on the table. "Goodnight, Winona."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The next morning was my first day teaching at the Riverside High School and my stomach had decided to tie itself up in knots. I took a deep breath trying to prepare myself for what was about to happen. In a few minutes my first class was going to start and even my Vulcan training couldn't keep the nerves at bay.
I'd married my husband just out of college and had never had the occasion to use my education degree in a class setting before. And to make matters worse most of these children probably didn't even want to be here.
A few might find the subject interesting, but all of them would be aware of their families' prejudices against alien cultures. I doubted they would be daring enough to attack me physically but they would test me all the same.
The school bell rang, the trilling chime drilled into my skull and made my stomach twist with mixed anticipation and dread.
I plastered my best Vulcan mask onto my face and watched as the children filed through the door and took their seats, laughing and giving me amused looks out of the corners of their eyes. Already I could tell that they were going to cause me no end of trouble.
I couldn't wait. If there was one thing I'd never been able to resist it was a challenge. "Hello students, my name is Ms. Grayson and I'm your new Alien Languages teacher."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Over the next few weeks, things settled down. I can't say that I became happier, being without Sarek was like being without a limb. I wasn't as telepathically sensitive as a Vulcan so I couldn't feel the loss of our bond that clearly, but I also had no way of replacing the emotional link. Humans just weren't capable of connecting on that level and I didn't want to make my bond with Spock ant deeper that it already was.
We both needed to become less insular than we had been on Vulcan. Spock actually seemed to be having a better time of that than I was. Once he had adjusted to Jimmy's extremely affectionate manner, he started to thrive.
It was rare to see one without the other. Jimmy was always dragging him from one end of the farm to the other, playing with the dogs, feeding the pigs, collecting the eggs from the chickens, and Spock's favorite task of caring for the horses.
The first time Jimmy took him out to see the horses he'd talked about all the facts he'd learned about them for over two hours. George and Winona had been amused, thinking that he was trying to impress them with how much he knew about horses, but I knew better. The only other time I'd seen him so excited was when he'd gotten to see the Sehlats. He'd been quoting facts about Sehlats for days. I decided that if we ended up staying in Riverside I would see about purchasing a horse for him.
The one thing he refused to speak with me about was school, though it was easy enough to tell that he was uncomfortable there, it was impossible to tell if that was because he wasn't getting along with his fellow students, or if the instructors weren't comfortable teaching him.
I decided to wait and see what happened, hoping that between the two of them Spock and Jimmy would be able to figure things out. I knew from my own childhood that having a parent intercede too early only made things more awkward.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Strangely enough I didn't dread being called to Spock's new school as much as I had dreaded being called to his school back on Vulcan. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I knew that was three times as strong as any of the other children, but it just didn't seem like I needed to worry about his safety.
And for all James Kirk was a bit bratty what with his love of poking Spock, I knew for a fact that he'd do anything to protect Spock. He was just that kind of boy.
I could still remember my own best friend when I was a child. We'd been known for beating up the boys we went to school with. Much to my mother's embarrassment.
"Principal Myers I received a call that Spock had gotten into trouble?"
Myers shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I didn't realize that my assistant had called you, Miss Grayson."
I didn't bother to correct him this time. If he didn’t get my name after the first dozen times, he wasn’t likely to get it right now. “Who did you think they had called.”
“I asked them to call Mr. Kirk. He usually handles this sort of problem.”
I chill of dread sunk into my stomach. Maybe this wasn’t a simple childhood fight. “Did something happen.?You assistant led me to believe that it wasn’t anything important.”
“It normally wouldn’t be, but I’m afraid your son reacted quite unreasonably. Have you looked into getting him therapy to help him deal with your leaving his father?
I bristled. “How is that your business?”
“As I said your son reacted unreasonably and without provocation.”
“I highly doubt it was without provocation.” I knew Spock better than that and while he might be overly emotional for a Vulcan, he was still very much in control of his reactions. “And I doubt even more that it was unreasonable.”
“He attacked a group of boys and used the tether ball to tie them to a pole in the middle of the schoolyard.” He straightened his spine preparing for something. “I understand that he is not human, but surely you could train him better than to do something so impulsive.”
“Train him? You make it sound like he is a dog.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I understand that he is a sentient being. But surely you don’t expect me to believe that he can function on the same level as a human.”
“I expect you to believe that he can function on a level higher than humans are capable of. Did you even ask him why he attacked those boys?”
He shifted again.
“I’ll take that as a no.” I stood up and headed for the door. I’d had enough of this man. I’d have to speak to his teacher to make sure that we handled any further disciplinary problems just between the two of us.
Spock and Jimmy Kirk were waiting for me on the bench just outside of their classroom. Spock looked as unruffled as when I’d dropped him off at the beginning of the day. Jimmy on the other hand had a large bruise that covered his cheek and his eye.
I had to stifle the urge to snort. If that bruise was anything to go by then Spock’s attack certainly hadn’t been unprovoked. “Come along boys, you can keep me company at the high school for the rest of the day, until Mr. Kirk comes to pick us up.”
Spock nodded and helped Jimmy down off of the bench, keeping his hand on Jimmy’s arm when he wavered.
“On second thought I think we’d better go see the nurse before we do anything else.”
“Do we have to?” Jimmy whined.
“I’d feel better if we did. And it’s just for a minute anyway.” I nodded for Spock to follow me, more worried than I wanted to admit when Jimmy didn’t raise any more complaints. He was a very determined little boy, and if he wasn’t feeling simply awful than I doubted we’d have been able to get him to the infirmary.
The nurse seemed to agree with me. She’d barely caught sight of him before she was bustling him into a bed and shoving a children’s pain pill down his throat. After a more thorough examination she decided that there was nothing more serious than some deep bruises, but she did insist that he needed to go home immediately rather than waiting for me to finish my classes at the high school.
I called them and let them know that I wouldn’t be coming back that day, they were as sympathetic as they were legally required to be and I was content with that.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Spock and I sat side by side watching Jimmy sleep as we waited for Mr. Kirk to come pick us up. He was tense and I couldn’t resist laying my hand onto his head. I wouldn’t do anything more obvious in public, not among so many strangers, but this at least wouldn’t seem to strange.
He relaxed beneath the weight of my hand, his body releasing its tension until he looked like any other young boy who’d gotten into a fight at school. Upset and angry and trying to hold back tears. “Why did he do it?”
“Do what sweetie?”
“Those boys they were saying mean things about me. They said that their parents said I was dirty and didn’t deserve to be on Earth.”
“Their families are probably part of the Back to Earth movement.” I acknowledged.
“I told Jimmy that it was alright, and I did not mind but he said that he could tell it upset me. He started yelling at them.” He seemed lost for words.
“Is that when they hit him?”
“He fell and there was blood coming from his nose and I lost my temper.” Biting his lip he hunched into himself.
“I’m not upset with you, dear. You did a very good job. The principal said that you tied them up using a tetherball. I’m impressed with your ingenuity.”
He relaxed again. “Thank you mother.”
We went back to sitting in silence, though I kept watch on Spock from the corner of my eye. He was quite obviously thinking about something. Finally he reached up under his sweater and pulled out a piece of folded paper. He carefully unfolded it, before handing it too me.
It was a picture of two boys, Spock and Jimmy if I was to guess, sitting on top of a large round spaceship in the middle of space. “Jimmy says that is us, that when we are bigger we will go out into the stars and make a place where nobody can say I do not belong. A real home.” There was a painful wistfulness in his voice.
It made me want to cry. We’d come all this way because I wanted to give him a chance to find a home and it hadn’t made a bit of difference. Spock was just as out of place here as he had been back on Vulcan. I gave up all sense of propriety and pulled him into my arms. “Do you want to go back to Vulcan, sweetheart. This hasn’t turned out like I’d planned.”
“No.” It was remarkable how emphatic he sounded. I hadn’t realized he could feel so strongly about something. “I want to stay with Jim. I want to…” he reached for the picture I still had clenched in my hand. “I want that.”
He wanted a home. The one thing that I couldn’t give him. “Then we’ll stay.” I pulled him close so that I could whisper into his ear. “And I promise that I will do everything I can to make sure your dream comes true.”
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To My Husband,
I'm sorry for leaving you so suddenly and with only a letter to tell you what I'd done, but at the time it seemed like the best way for us to part. If I had stayed until we could discuss logic and patience, I would have changed my mind.
I love you so much that it hurts to even think about being away from you. There is no way that I would be able to leave if you had asked me not to. That is why I refused to tell you where I'd gone. I couldn't have you risking yourself to come after me. I worked too hard to get up the courage to leave in the first place.
Despite what it sounds like I'm not writing to make recriminations or express my guilt though that is part of it. I'm writing to tell you that I'm no longer tempted to return to your side. I've found at least a part of what I'm looking for here, on Earth.
Spock is flourishing and I have hope that someday he will be able to make a home for himself. One where he isn't judged because of his heritage, but because of the type of man he is.
When he is older I will want to discuss having him return to Vulcan during the summer break from school, so that he can learn the teachings of Sarek more fully, but that is still a few years off. For now I'm just happy to see him growing up to be the boy I always knew he could be, happy and growing stronger every day.
Even if you can't understand my decision, please don't let your anger separate you from Spock. He misses you as badly as I do and I know that he would love to hear from you, for all he doesn't speak of it.
Live Long and Prosper,
Your Wife,
Amanda